I've had many dreams either involving Derek or discussing him and what happened. I have documented all of the ones that I remember in a Word document and it's currently 88 pages long. Now obviously every single one isn't super meaningful - there are some that I kept that are probably examples of me grasping for signs, and some are nothing more than a smile or a hug - but for the most part I've had some pretty powerful ones. I think one of the initial fears after losing someone is that you will forget them; forget their face, their smile, their energy... It is impossible to believe that they are gone and you sometimes question their existence entirely because they have left so suddenly. At least that's what I found. So a quick dream with a smile from him was and is perfect.
The first few dreams after he passed weren't very exciting. One was a nightmare, which involved me seeing him the way he looked at the viewing... An image I won't ever get out of my head. Another nightmare early on was of a wolf chasing me through our old house. I'd call out to Derek for help but he never came because he had passed away.
The next was an adventure dream where Derek and I were part of Harry Potter. These books/movies were a big part of our childhood - as I'm sure many people our age would say. We were trying to get away from Voldemort and hiding in the basement of a castle - but it wasn't Hogwarts. Later on we were flying away on our broomsticks. I remember looking to the side and seeing Derek smiling and laughing. When I woke up I was so excited that I saw his face (even if for a short time) but equally sad because then I remembered he was gone. So often we are hit with these moments where we remember our loved ones are gone. It's like another stab of a knife when something happens and you think "oh I have to tell them about this!" out of habit and instinct, and then you realize you can't. That is how these dreams seemed at the beginning. I was happy and felt blessed to get to see his smile or give him a hug, but then waking up became that much harder. Waking up and continuing on in a world where I wouldn't see his smile or receive the big hug I wanted.
My next dreams didn't involve him, but were based around the loss. I would dream of the lake or our old house but something was always missing. It was always somber and partway through I'd realize Derek was gone. One time I dreamt that my mom and I were sitting upstairs when the front door opened and we heard a voice saying "Hey, I'm home!". We looked at each other and were so excited because it sounded exactly like Derek. Maybe by some miracle he was home, so we started crying and jumped up but then it was just my dad. I guess it was just real life being reflected in these dreams - the constant hope that maybe he would return and things would be normal again... that reality had in fact just been a bad dream this whole time.
One of my favourites early on was dream #14 (just to get technical).
I was walking down the street to our old house with Aleks (who played volleyball at Camosun with Derek, and played at TRU my first year/the year Derek passed away). He had missed the funeral, so he came for a visit. At the house we were joined by my parents and Danielle (Derek's girlfriend at the time). We went downstairs to the spare room that had become Derek's room in the dream. It was filled with all the things he had in his room growing up - Colorado Avalanche posters, sports trophies, etc. We were looking through things and telling stories, laughing and crying, and suddenly Derek was there. He sat beside me as we talked, and he joined in the storytelling, laughing with all of us. I gave him a big hug, and had my hand around his shoulder the whole time. Then it hit me that he wasn't really back and I began to cry. Derek looked at me and gave this sad look that he made in real life that I can picture but cannot describe. He shook his head, started to cry, and put his head in his hands. He didn't speak but my dream self knew that he was crying because he felt bad. He wished that none of this had happened and he missed us.
It was the exact reaction he would've have to all of this. Once again I woke up crying.
The first few dreams after he passed weren't very exciting. One was a nightmare, which involved me seeing him the way he looked at the viewing... An image I won't ever get out of my head. Another nightmare early on was of a wolf chasing me through our old house. I'd call out to Derek for help but he never came because he had passed away.
The next was an adventure dream where Derek and I were part of Harry Potter. These books/movies were a big part of our childhood - as I'm sure many people our age would say. We were trying to get away from Voldemort and hiding in the basement of a castle - but it wasn't Hogwarts. Later on we were flying away on our broomsticks. I remember looking to the side and seeing Derek smiling and laughing. When I woke up I was so excited that I saw his face (even if for a short time) but equally sad because then I remembered he was gone. So often we are hit with these moments where we remember our loved ones are gone. It's like another stab of a knife when something happens and you think "oh I have to tell them about this!" out of habit and instinct, and then you realize you can't. That is how these dreams seemed at the beginning. I was happy and felt blessed to get to see his smile or give him a hug, but then waking up became that much harder. Waking up and continuing on in a world where I wouldn't see his smile or receive the big hug I wanted.
My next dreams didn't involve him, but were based around the loss. I would dream of the lake or our old house but something was always missing. It was always somber and partway through I'd realize Derek was gone. One time I dreamt that my mom and I were sitting upstairs when the front door opened and we heard a voice saying "Hey, I'm home!". We looked at each other and were so excited because it sounded exactly like Derek. Maybe by some miracle he was home, so we started crying and jumped up but then it was just my dad. I guess it was just real life being reflected in these dreams - the constant hope that maybe he would return and things would be normal again... that reality had in fact just been a bad dream this whole time.
One of my favourites early on was dream #14 (just to get technical).
I was walking down the street to our old house with Aleks (who played volleyball at Camosun with Derek, and played at TRU my first year/the year Derek passed away). He had missed the funeral, so he came for a visit. At the house we were joined by my parents and Danielle (Derek's girlfriend at the time). We went downstairs to the spare room that had become Derek's room in the dream. It was filled with all the things he had in his room growing up - Colorado Avalanche posters, sports trophies, etc. We were looking through things and telling stories, laughing and crying, and suddenly Derek was there. He sat beside me as we talked, and he joined in the storytelling, laughing with all of us. I gave him a big hug, and had my hand around his shoulder the whole time. Then it hit me that he wasn't really back and I began to cry. Derek looked at me and gave this sad look that he made in real life that I can picture but cannot describe. He shook his head, started to cry, and put his head in his hands. He didn't speak but my dream self knew that he was crying because he felt bad. He wished that none of this had happened and he missed us.
It was the exact reaction he would've have to all of this. Once again I woke up crying.