Here is a conversation between me and my server at dinner the other night. It is not at all meant to be boasting or bragging about myself, it's actually quite the opposite, but please bear with me until I get to the point.
So I am sitting there when the waitress comes over and begins complimenting me.
First she compliments my skin tone: "you're the perfect brown, what lotion do you use?". Then she comments on my body: "you have such a slim figure, what diet are you on?". (I laugh at this because all of those who know me know my diet largely consists of desserts. Isn't there a reason diet starts with "die"?)... I explain how I've been doing yoga and that exercise (not food choices) is largely responsible for my shape. Then she compliments my skin, pointing to a few breakouts on her own face and asks: "how do you keep your skin so nice?" I tell her how I have breakouts too but she dismisses them as though they can't compare to her three pimples. She doesn't do this in a rude way or in an attempt to fish for compliments, she is genuinely worried and distressed by it. She likes that I have blue eyes and now she starts complimenting me on my hair colour, saying how she wishes she had lighter hair. "What products do you use? Conditioner? Toner?"
"Umm just shampoo and conditioner, sometimes coconut oil."
"Oooh coconut oil."
She also wishes her arm and leg hair were lighter and asks me what products I use or if I wax. She thinks that her hair is super dark and noticeable but really it just looks normal. Then she points out a scar on her hand. I kid you not it is maybe the size of a pen tip, but she wishes she could get rid of it because it isn't pretty. I reassure her it is tiny and that I didn't even see it until she pointed it out, but she seems to think there is a huge neon sign pointing at it. I start pointing out scars on my arms too, showing her how she wouldn't have noticed them if I didn't point them out, just like I didn't notice the one on her hand. She still doesn't believe me so I tell her as long as she doesn't walk up to people and wave her hand straight in their face then they won't notice. She laughs and says that she will avoid doing that.
We continue chatting and I have gathered some knowledge about her based on our talk: She is a kind and caring person - not only because she has just spent the last 20 minutes complimenting me - but by other things she says too. She is well educated. She is motivated with her school and her job and works hard at them both. And although she may not see it - she is beautiful.
So this is where I come back to my point. How did we become a world that is based so much on insecurities and imperfections? When did we decide to become so incredibly hard on ourselves and how we look? Why is it that we all desire a look that is different than what we were born with, and we feel like we aren't beautiful if we don't possess the qualities we hold as desirable?
Having this conversation with her honestly made me sad because it made me realize how much we base on appearance and beauty. It is sad that people don't feel happy with themselves and that we spend so much time worrying about our flaws or trying to cover them up. It is sad that there are so many beautiful people in this world (male and female) who don't see themselves as the rest of the world sees them. It is sad that people spend more time wishing they looked differently than they spend loving who they are. And it is sad that appearance seems to have become more important than being a genuinely good person.
The irony of my talk with her is that many of the compliments she gave me are based on things I'm self conscious about... My face, my body shape, my colouring. While she wishes she had lighter skin and hair I grew up wanting to be more tanned... Until I was 18 I would burn bright red (thanks dad for those genes) and then I'd peel and be pasty again in two days. It pained me to see my mom and Derek turn this beautiful "golden brown" every summer while I endured being pale. To me, being tanned was desirable.
Throughout my travels I've been exposed to the other side of it. In Sri Lanka, the Philippines, and Bali there is "whitening cream" and bleaching cream for sale. This is marketed towards the locals who do not want to get any darker and instead want lighter skin. Some people in these places associate white skin with wealth or power and some associate darker skin tones with the labour jobs (which are looked down upon and not something they want to draw attention to themselves for). Many of the workers wear full length shirts and pants and bandanas (to cover their faces) so that little (if any) skin is exposed to the sun. Imagine working outside in 30 or 40 degree heat while wearing full length clothes!! I'm a sweaty mess if I stand outside for a couple minutes without exerting any effort! But whatever their reasons are for wishing to have lighter skin tones, the point is still the same. Why can't we just be happy with who we are?
So many women I've met on my trip have expressed a desire to be white. From my beautiful server the past few days - wishing her skin were lighter and her hair wasn't so dark. Giving never-ending compliments to me but not feeling like she is good enough. Or a friend I met in the Philippines... one day at the beach we were talking and she said how growing up she always wished she were white because that seemed to be associated with success and beauty. Again I laughed and told her I'd always wished to be darker because I associated tanned skin with beauty.
"Beauty is in the eye of the beholder."
But it also seems that we get caught up in our own flaws and can begin to see only ours and no one else's. My server pointed out a pimple and was exasperated about it, asking me what she should do. A) I am not a dermatologist... I probably could be after all my years of skin issues growing up, but nevertheless I'm not qualified. And B) my skin isn't perfect at all! I woke up that morning and looked in the mirror and wished my skin had less breakouts. Honestly that's how my day started. I pointed this out to her but she dismissed it and said something like "No your skin isn't bad at all! Look at mine! Oh what should I do?!" Again, she wasn't doing this for attention or compliments but to seek help for her imperfections.
It's like that scene in Mean Girls where they are all looking in the mirror and naming flaws, thinking that their problem is worse than the next girls... And then Lindsay Lohan says she has bad breath in the morning and they are all disgusted.
It's like we see our imperfections and they become 1000x worse than anyone else's... that no one else has the same issue or flaw, and if they do we still see a greater fault in ourselves than we do in theirs. How my server can clearly see me pointing out my own blemishes but they still don't seem to register compared to her own.
And this is where we should take a page out of Justin Bieber's [lyric] book: "you should go and love yourself". (You had to know there'd be a Bieber reference in here somewhere... Sorry...😉).
K but seriously! You SHOULD go and love yourself... You should be proud of who you are, no matter what flaws you see in yourself. Why do we spend so much time and energy being unhappy with how we look or who we are? What is that saying - "If you don't love yourself how can you expect anybody else to love you?" or something along those lines. If all you see when looking at your reflection is your flaws, how will you ever see yourself for ALL that you truly are? All the beautiful qualities you possess, inside and out, if you only see the bad? Not only that - but you'll get to the point where you don't believe or accept compliments from others. You don't see the same person as they do and you'll push the compliment aside or disagree because you are literally incapable of believing there is truth to it. It's a never ending spiral of questioning your self-worth and feeling like you aren't good enough.
This is all coming from someone who until recently had very little confidence. I was an ugly kid. It actually pains me to look at old pictures from junior high and high school... You know that awkward stage?? It seemed like it lasted FOREVER. And once I started to "normalize", for lack of a better word, I still had zero confidence. I still saw the flaws in my skin or in my body shape. When I looked at other girls they all seemed flawless and perfect, and then I looked at myself and still saw what I saw growing up. And when I looked at girls and did happen to notice flaws - I still ranked their flaws as more desirable, as if it were some sort of competition and I was winning (or perhaps losing - depending on which way you want to look at it). I could reassure friends that they had nothing to worry about when they asked if they looked "fat" in that dress, or if they complained about the shape of their nose or their curves or lack thereof. Whatever it was I could reassure all of them that they were still pretty and I meant it! I saw the beauty without the flaws. The flaws seemed minor to me. But when I looked at myself in the mirror I couldn't tell myself the same thing. Why is that?? Why is it that we are our own worst critics? Why do we live in a society where we constantly feel like we don't measure up and we aren't good enough? I think the media is largely responsible... what we grow up seeing in commercials or tv shows. What seems to be associated with beauty and perfection and what is deemed "ugly".
But I'm not here to get into the negativity of the media, I think everyone is pretty aware of the role it plays. I'm here because after all these years of being extremely self conscious and feeling like I was ugly or not good enough, I've finally overcome this. I finally feel happy with who I am, on the inside and the outside. I can finally see myself for all that I am and be proud of what I see. And man does it feel good!
Sure I still have moments of doubt (like that morning I mentioned earlier), but the overall progress is amazing! I wish I hadn't spent all those years being unhappy with who I was. I wish I could've found a way to accept and embrace myself and focus on the positives instead of only the negatives. And I wish more people could shed the negative images of themselves.
What did I do to achieve this? I stopped complaining. I stopped focusing on my flaws. The yoga classes, positive mindset, and generally stress-free lifestyle obviously helped as well. I have had an abundance of time to learn about myself and to do things that make me happy and make me feel fulfilled, ultimately making me happier with myself as a person. But I also started taking time to compliment myself. I now end every yoga class with a few minutes of compliments. In my head I list whatever positive traits I can think of, no matter what they are. "I am smart. I am funny. I am pretty. I am kind." (Remember that scene from The Help ?? Yeah - basically like that). I also list traits I don't possess that I'd like to work on (such as "I am patient"). I repeat them over and over again, adding new words when they pop up in my brain. It's that whole concept about the power of the mind...
"Your beliefs become your thoughts. Your thoughts become your words. Your words become your actions. Your actions become your habits. Your habits become your values. Your values become your destiny."
By telling myself I'm patient or I'm smart or any of these things, I begin to start seeing these qualities. I notice when these traits are being displayed outwardly and I feel more positive. And I've just been a generally happier person because I'm not caught up in the negative things going on around me (also key).
I think this is where Roald Dahl said it best:
"A person who has good thoughts cannot ever be ugly. You can have a wonky nose and a crooked mouth and a double chin and stick out teeth, but if you have good thoughts they will shine out of your face like sunbeams and you will always look lovely."
I guess what I am trying to get at in this very long and very round about rant is this:
Be proud of who you are. Stop noticing your flaws and focus on the positive (even if it's a challenge at the beginning).
Even better - acknowledge and embrace your flaws. Realize that it makes you who you are and that it may not be going anywhere anytime soon. Learn to love your flaws and you won't be worried the next time you're having an "off day" because you will see the whole picture instead of one small piece.
And most importantly, realize that your worth isn't based on how you look. You are so much more than your appearance. You have a heart and a brain and a voice... Three things right there that are so much more important to the world than what you look like. Please don't forget that. 😘
So I am sitting there when the waitress comes over and begins complimenting me.
First she compliments my skin tone: "you're the perfect brown, what lotion do you use?". Then she comments on my body: "you have such a slim figure, what diet are you on?". (I laugh at this because all of those who know me know my diet largely consists of desserts. Isn't there a reason diet starts with "die"?)... I explain how I've been doing yoga and that exercise (not food choices) is largely responsible for my shape. Then she compliments my skin, pointing to a few breakouts on her own face and asks: "how do you keep your skin so nice?" I tell her how I have breakouts too but she dismisses them as though they can't compare to her three pimples. She doesn't do this in a rude way or in an attempt to fish for compliments, she is genuinely worried and distressed by it. She likes that I have blue eyes and now she starts complimenting me on my hair colour, saying how she wishes she had lighter hair. "What products do you use? Conditioner? Toner?"
"Umm just shampoo and conditioner, sometimes coconut oil."
"Oooh coconut oil."
She also wishes her arm and leg hair were lighter and asks me what products I use or if I wax. She thinks that her hair is super dark and noticeable but really it just looks normal. Then she points out a scar on her hand. I kid you not it is maybe the size of a pen tip, but she wishes she could get rid of it because it isn't pretty. I reassure her it is tiny and that I didn't even see it until she pointed it out, but she seems to think there is a huge neon sign pointing at it. I start pointing out scars on my arms too, showing her how she wouldn't have noticed them if I didn't point them out, just like I didn't notice the one on her hand. She still doesn't believe me so I tell her as long as she doesn't walk up to people and wave her hand straight in their face then they won't notice. She laughs and says that she will avoid doing that.
We continue chatting and I have gathered some knowledge about her based on our talk: She is a kind and caring person - not only because she has just spent the last 20 minutes complimenting me - but by other things she says too. She is well educated. She is motivated with her school and her job and works hard at them both. And although she may not see it - she is beautiful.
So this is where I come back to my point. How did we become a world that is based so much on insecurities and imperfections? When did we decide to become so incredibly hard on ourselves and how we look? Why is it that we all desire a look that is different than what we were born with, and we feel like we aren't beautiful if we don't possess the qualities we hold as desirable?
Having this conversation with her honestly made me sad because it made me realize how much we base on appearance and beauty. It is sad that people don't feel happy with themselves and that we spend so much time worrying about our flaws or trying to cover them up. It is sad that there are so many beautiful people in this world (male and female) who don't see themselves as the rest of the world sees them. It is sad that people spend more time wishing they looked differently than they spend loving who they are. And it is sad that appearance seems to have become more important than being a genuinely good person.
The irony of my talk with her is that many of the compliments she gave me are based on things I'm self conscious about... My face, my body shape, my colouring. While she wishes she had lighter skin and hair I grew up wanting to be more tanned... Until I was 18 I would burn bright red (thanks dad for those genes) and then I'd peel and be pasty again in two days. It pained me to see my mom and Derek turn this beautiful "golden brown" every summer while I endured being pale. To me, being tanned was desirable.
Throughout my travels I've been exposed to the other side of it. In Sri Lanka, the Philippines, and Bali there is "whitening cream" and bleaching cream for sale. This is marketed towards the locals who do not want to get any darker and instead want lighter skin. Some people in these places associate white skin with wealth or power and some associate darker skin tones with the labour jobs (which are looked down upon and not something they want to draw attention to themselves for). Many of the workers wear full length shirts and pants and bandanas (to cover their faces) so that little (if any) skin is exposed to the sun. Imagine working outside in 30 or 40 degree heat while wearing full length clothes!! I'm a sweaty mess if I stand outside for a couple minutes without exerting any effort! But whatever their reasons are for wishing to have lighter skin tones, the point is still the same. Why can't we just be happy with who we are?
So many women I've met on my trip have expressed a desire to be white. From my beautiful server the past few days - wishing her skin were lighter and her hair wasn't so dark. Giving never-ending compliments to me but not feeling like she is good enough. Or a friend I met in the Philippines... one day at the beach we were talking and she said how growing up she always wished she were white because that seemed to be associated with success and beauty. Again I laughed and told her I'd always wished to be darker because I associated tanned skin with beauty.
"Beauty is in the eye of the beholder."
But it also seems that we get caught up in our own flaws and can begin to see only ours and no one else's. My server pointed out a pimple and was exasperated about it, asking me what she should do. A) I am not a dermatologist... I probably could be after all my years of skin issues growing up, but nevertheless I'm not qualified. And B) my skin isn't perfect at all! I woke up that morning and looked in the mirror and wished my skin had less breakouts. Honestly that's how my day started. I pointed this out to her but she dismissed it and said something like "No your skin isn't bad at all! Look at mine! Oh what should I do?!" Again, she wasn't doing this for attention or compliments but to seek help for her imperfections.
It's like that scene in Mean Girls where they are all looking in the mirror and naming flaws, thinking that their problem is worse than the next girls... And then Lindsay Lohan says she has bad breath in the morning and they are all disgusted.
It's like we see our imperfections and they become 1000x worse than anyone else's... that no one else has the same issue or flaw, and if they do we still see a greater fault in ourselves than we do in theirs. How my server can clearly see me pointing out my own blemishes but they still don't seem to register compared to her own.
And this is where we should take a page out of Justin Bieber's [lyric] book: "you should go and love yourself". (You had to know there'd be a Bieber reference in here somewhere... Sorry...😉).
K but seriously! You SHOULD go and love yourself... You should be proud of who you are, no matter what flaws you see in yourself. Why do we spend so much time and energy being unhappy with how we look or who we are? What is that saying - "If you don't love yourself how can you expect anybody else to love you?" or something along those lines. If all you see when looking at your reflection is your flaws, how will you ever see yourself for ALL that you truly are? All the beautiful qualities you possess, inside and out, if you only see the bad? Not only that - but you'll get to the point where you don't believe or accept compliments from others. You don't see the same person as they do and you'll push the compliment aside or disagree because you are literally incapable of believing there is truth to it. It's a never ending spiral of questioning your self-worth and feeling like you aren't good enough.
This is all coming from someone who until recently had very little confidence. I was an ugly kid. It actually pains me to look at old pictures from junior high and high school... You know that awkward stage?? It seemed like it lasted FOREVER. And once I started to "normalize", for lack of a better word, I still had zero confidence. I still saw the flaws in my skin or in my body shape. When I looked at other girls they all seemed flawless and perfect, and then I looked at myself and still saw what I saw growing up. And when I looked at girls and did happen to notice flaws - I still ranked their flaws as more desirable, as if it were some sort of competition and I was winning (or perhaps losing - depending on which way you want to look at it). I could reassure friends that they had nothing to worry about when they asked if they looked "fat" in that dress, or if they complained about the shape of their nose or their curves or lack thereof. Whatever it was I could reassure all of them that they were still pretty and I meant it! I saw the beauty without the flaws. The flaws seemed minor to me. But when I looked at myself in the mirror I couldn't tell myself the same thing. Why is that?? Why is it that we are our own worst critics? Why do we live in a society where we constantly feel like we don't measure up and we aren't good enough? I think the media is largely responsible... what we grow up seeing in commercials or tv shows. What seems to be associated with beauty and perfection and what is deemed "ugly".
But I'm not here to get into the negativity of the media, I think everyone is pretty aware of the role it plays. I'm here because after all these years of being extremely self conscious and feeling like I was ugly or not good enough, I've finally overcome this. I finally feel happy with who I am, on the inside and the outside. I can finally see myself for all that I am and be proud of what I see. And man does it feel good!
Sure I still have moments of doubt (like that morning I mentioned earlier), but the overall progress is amazing! I wish I hadn't spent all those years being unhappy with who I was. I wish I could've found a way to accept and embrace myself and focus on the positives instead of only the negatives. And I wish more people could shed the negative images of themselves.
What did I do to achieve this? I stopped complaining. I stopped focusing on my flaws. The yoga classes, positive mindset, and generally stress-free lifestyle obviously helped as well. I have had an abundance of time to learn about myself and to do things that make me happy and make me feel fulfilled, ultimately making me happier with myself as a person. But I also started taking time to compliment myself. I now end every yoga class with a few minutes of compliments. In my head I list whatever positive traits I can think of, no matter what they are. "I am smart. I am funny. I am pretty. I am kind." (Remember that scene from The Help ?? Yeah - basically like that). I also list traits I don't possess that I'd like to work on (such as "I am patient"). I repeat them over and over again, adding new words when they pop up in my brain. It's that whole concept about the power of the mind...
"Your beliefs become your thoughts. Your thoughts become your words. Your words become your actions. Your actions become your habits. Your habits become your values. Your values become your destiny."
By telling myself I'm patient or I'm smart or any of these things, I begin to start seeing these qualities. I notice when these traits are being displayed outwardly and I feel more positive. And I've just been a generally happier person because I'm not caught up in the negative things going on around me (also key).
I think this is where Roald Dahl said it best:
"A person who has good thoughts cannot ever be ugly. You can have a wonky nose and a crooked mouth and a double chin and stick out teeth, but if you have good thoughts they will shine out of your face like sunbeams and you will always look lovely."
I guess what I am trying to get at in this very long and very round about rant is this:
Be proud of who you are. Stop noticing your flaws and focus on the positive (even if it's a challenge at the beginning).
Even better - acknowledge and embrace your flaws. Realize that it makes you who you are and that it may not be going anywhere anytime soon. Learn to love your flaws and you won't be worried the next time you're having an "off day" because you will see the whole picture instead of one small piece.
And most importantly, realize that your worth isn't based on how you look. You are so much more than your appearance. You have a heart and a brain and a voice... Three things right there that are so much more important to the world than what you look like. Please don't forget that. 😘