It was Sunday, January 30th, and I was sitting in the Calgary Airport on my way back to Kamloops. I had spent the last few days there with my University volleyball team, and after the weekend of games we were heading back home. I was bored in the airport, so I sent my mom a quick text, reminding her to look at the Skype message I had sent the night before. It was something pointless as usual, a Youtube video I found funny that I wanted her to watch with my older brother Derek. She texted me back saying she would take a look, and then I began to board the plane. I told her I would talk to her sometime later that night when I was back at Residence. Little did I know I would be hearing from her much sooner.
Sitting on the plane, I randomly decided on putting on my sad playlist on my iPod. I had made this playlist just under a year ago, when my friend Ali lost her 19-year-old brother in a tragic car accident. I had a really tough time then, and had made a playlist with a bunch of sad songs, so I could listen to it whenever I needed. On top of this, a few days after New Years Eve a different friend of mine lost her 21-year-old brother. I had been thinking about him a lot, trying to find a way to be supportive of her but not knowing how. Death is such a tough subject, and until you’ve lost someone close, you don’t understand how to help or provide support.
So I started listening to my playlist, and began crying on the plane. It was a short flight, and I didn’t care if anyone saw, but my teammates on each side didn’t notice. I continued to cry, and as I cried I thought of Stefan, and how only recently he was still here with us. Although I wasn’t close with him, I had played club volleyball with his sister for two or three years. I hadn't seen Derek since Christmas but we had texted about it lots and both were really sad when we heard the news. All I had wanted to do was give Derek a hug. I began thinking about him more and continued crying. Looking back I feel like my soul already knew what was going on back in Winnipeg. I can't explain the amount of uncontrollable pain I had on the plane. The Oasis song Stop Crying Your Heart Out came on, which I had first heard in the movie The Butterfly Effect. I had watched this movie with Derek and my dad when I was younger, and as I heard the song I thought of how I must text Derek to tell him to watch that movie again soon. It had been one of my favourite movies because it really made you think about how one choice affected so much- and how you couldn't change aspects of the past without completely changing the future.
I continued to think of him during the flight while I cried to more sad songs, including Here You Me by Jimmy Eat World (also in The Butterfly Effect).
When we were beginning the descent into the Kamloops Airport, I turned on my phone. It was then that I saw a text from my mom, it read “Text me when you land.” I got a bit scared, but I told myself not to panic, I texted her back “Ok landing. Well actually still flying but about to land.” Less than a minute later my cell phone started ringing, I didn’t want to answer in case it caused any problems with the flight deck. I texted my mom saying I couldn’t answer yet, and when I didn’t hear back I was really starting to panic. I then sent “Please tell me what’s wrong mom, I’m getting worried.” I still didn’t hear back. I texted Derek, asking "are you ok" but the message was only delivered and never read. I started thinking about all the things that could be wrong, Derek was my first worry, but I told myself to not jump to conclusions in case it was something small. Maybe there was just an accident, but nothing serious could have changed in the past hour. I had to tell myself to think positive, but deep down I knew it was something big.
When the plane landed on the tarmac I immediately called my mom, I was beginning to cry again and my heart was pounding. She asked if my coach was nearby, and said she needed to talk to him. As I passed my phone to a teammate to hand to Keith, I knew I was going home. My friends nearby asked what was going on, and I didn’t know. All I told them was that if my mom needed to talk to Keith first, it meant I was going back home, because she would have to explain why I was leaving the team to get back to Winnipeg. When Keith hung up the phone he turned back to me, and calmly told me to walk with him into the airport, and that we would find a quiet spot where I could call my mom back. That was the last I saw of my team.
I sat down on a chair and called my mom. I was already a mess, and when my mom answered the phone it became worse. All I said was “Mom” and she was crying and said “Kara”. Neither of us had the words to speak. I then said “I know.” But was waiting for her to break the news, and make it official. She asked if Keith told me, and I said no, and the next words out of her mouth will forever be the worst. “Derek OD’d last night.” At first I was doubly shocked, did that mean he did it on purpose? The word overdose carries implications along with it that make it seem intentional. All I could picture was him doing something, taking too many pills, or making that choice to end his life. This was one of the worst thoughts I had. Then she continued. “He was with Sean last night, and they took something Kara, and he didn’t wake up. I found him just after you and I finished talking in Calgary, I wanted to get a hold of you before anyone else did.” Meanwhile, Keith was buying me a ticket to hop on that exact same plane and head back to Calgary, I needed and wanted to be back home as soon as I could. (This meant bringing home two bags of smelly volleyball gear and nothing else, since I didn’t have time to go back to residence to grab other clothes.) While he did that, his girlfriend Candice sat with me, rubbing my back and trying to console me. I told my mom about my bad feeling on the plane, and I can’t remember what else she told me while I was sitting there, but soon after I was forced to hang up and go back through security. I sent my dad a text as well, but I don’t remember much being said other than we both were sorry. I was in shock, as I gave my coach a hug goodbye, my whole team was standing off to the side, all eyes watching, wondering what was going on. As I gave Candice a hug she said something that will stick with me forever, she said “I don’t know what you believe in, but God only does this to people who are strong enough.” Although I have never believed in a God, or a higher power, it gave me an odd form of comfort. After all, how do you believe in absolutely nothing after life, when you lose someone who means so much to you? You are bound to have some kind of belief, it is too hard to imagine that they are completely gone - spirit, body, and mind.
So I went back through Kamloops Security, and as I got there they noticed I had an apple juice in my backpack, so the security began asking me about any other liquids I’m “hiding”. Like I needed to be worrying about that at that moment... all I wanted to do was to be back in Winnipeg, or to fast-forward to the night before to tell Derek to do something else instead of seeing Sean. I stood there crying, and finally was allowed to go onto the plane. They gave me three seats to myself, which was nice since everyone nearby was staring at me the whole flight. One flight attendant came over to me and asked if it was my first flight and I was scared of flying. I didn’t know what to say, but I didn’t want to look like a fool sitting and crying about something when I am not afraid of flying. I told her the truth, that I just found out my brother had passed and was heading back home. She was in shock, obviously not expecting something as drastic as that. She went and got me some Kleenex and told me that if I needed anything to let her know. Her name was Sirius (like Sirius Black) and as much as I found her constant check ups a bit overwhelming, she was very helpful. She told me to wait as everyone got off the plane, and that she would come with me and sit with me during my layover. As much as company may have been good at that point in time, I really wanted to be alone, and to be able to make some phone calls. I thanked her for her help, and sped away on my own once we landed.
I was stuck in the Calgary Airport from 3pm until about 7pm, sitting around worrying and thinking. I was glad to be alone. First place I called was my house; I needed to hear the full story. I’m pretty sure my best friends mom Charlene picked up the phone, but it didn’t even sound like her. I asked who it was and when she told me we both started crying. She and Derek had started bonding more over the past year or two; he would join her and my mom for tea and to chat. He loved Charlene and loved being in her company, always telling my mom to invite her over so he could see her. She told me she was so sorry, and I knew she would be, and then she went and got my mom. My mom asked how the flight was, and apologized for how it had been handled, everyone felt horrible that I had to spend all day in the airport after hearing the news. I asked for the details from my mom and she told me. She said that just after I boarded my plane in Calgary to go to Kamloops she got a phone call from Danielle (currently Derek's girlfriend). Danielle was worried because he hadn't read her messages so my mom went down to check on him. She said she knew right when she got to the foot of the stairs that something was wrong. When she entered his room he didn't jump up like usual- but instead laid there cold and lifeless. Danielle was still on the other end of the phone and heard my moms screams and wails. Danielle left immediately to drive over and my mom called the cops and then my dad.
Paramedics got to the house first, then Danielle, then my dad, and finally the police. My mom stayed upstairs with Danielle, but my dad went and sat in Derek’s room with him for a while before the paramedics took him. I’m not sure how he stayed down there with Derek but he did somehow. And I don't know who my mom called after that, but some of Derek’s friends showed up at the house. Trevor was one of them, and he said he wouldn’t believe it until he saw, so he stood and watched as the paramedics carried my brother out of the house in a body bag.
After talking to my mom, Charlene, Danielle, and my dad, I called Hillary. I’ll never forget hearing her cry (something she doesn’t do very often), and her saying that “out of all the people this could’ve happened to, we didn’t deserve it.” I remember thinking how right she was, that it made no sense for my family to be going through this- to deserve this much pain. We talked about Derek, my flight back, and then tried to talk about other things to keep our minds off of it.
After that, I went to the food court to get something to eat. I wasn’t very hungry but figured I’d feel more sick if I didn’t eat anything. When I went to sit down I noticed the flight attendant, Sirius, sitting somewhere. She went and bought me a slice of pizza and we sat together. She asked me about Derek, and what happened. I explained what I knew. I remember her saying that when she landed in Calgary she actually went to call her brother. She said my situation made her think of how quickly something could happen, and she wanted to say hello and let him know she loved him. We continued to talk, and we also talked about volleyball and how I played because of Derek. After we finished eating I thanked her for giving me some company, gave her a hug and went on my way.
When I landed in Winnipeg I just wanted to run through the airport to find my dad. He was coming to get me, with Hillary, Rachel and her dad Tom. I remember running to my dad and him giving me the biggest hug ever. I felt like he was going to squish me and never let go. We were both crying too much and I’m sure people nearby were wondering what was going on. I think the other three stayed in the car to wait for us. Hillary and Rachel gave me a hug and were crying as I got in the car. I remember them trying to talk about other things, and I think I even asked how school was because none of us knew what to say. I could hear my dad crying in the front seat, so I reached my hand up there and put it on his shoulder. He reached up and held my hand for the rest of the drive. As I looked out the window I told everyone how when I was on the flight from Calgary to Winnipeg I was looking out at the stars and all I could think of was The Lion King. As I listened to my sad songs, I thought of how the great kings of the past were up there looking down on us, and seeing as Derek was a King in my eyes he must be watching over me at that moment. There was one bright star out that window the whole flight, which obviously was because I was flying directly East so it wasn’t going to go anywhere, but still. I remember Hillary and Rachel laughing a bit when I told them that, because everything with me always relates back to The Lion King, but I didn’t care. It gave me some comfort to think of him watching over me somehow.
It was absolutely freezing that night, and I remember turning onto our street and seeing cars parked all the way down. Walking up the driveway was tough. I could hear Cassie barking as we got close, and my mom greeted me at the door. Our small house was full of close friends and I felt like everyone was sitting and gauging my reaction. I don't remember much conversation. Eventually friends piled out late, it must have been after 1am when the last people had finally left. My dad was spending the night at our place, to be with my mom and I. We all sat up and talked, about what had happened, or different memories and stories to share. My mom decided she was going to try to sleep, and I was tired from my long day of not only travelling but horrible news, stress, and pain. I went and laid down in my mom’s bed with her and our dog Cassie. My dad wanted to stay up to “talk to Derek”. This really scared me. I knew we were all feeling the pain from the loss, but it hadn’t even been a day yet and I was scared as to how my dad was dealing. He was playing some music and had lit a candle, and sat on the couch crying all alone. My mom and I were talking anyways, but she was so tired and I wanted her to try to sleep. I went to sit with my dad, we could hear him crying from the bedroom and I was scared to leave him alone. My mom said she’d be ok since she had our dog with her, so I joined my dad in the living room. As I sat with him I noticed he had put on Derek’s shoes, and was wearing them as he sat on the couch. If it was possible for my heart to break anymore, it did then. How was I supposed to try and be strong when no one was? How could I sit there and watch as my dad found comfort in my brothers skate shoes?
My dad went to the bathroom soon after I had joined him, and that was when I went back to my mom’s room to tell her. We were both worried because my dad was feeling so much guilt, and it hurt so much seeing him wear Derek’s shoes. My mom came out and joined us in the living room; none of us were going to sleep anyways so we might as well be together.
Sitting on the plane, I randomly decided on putting on my sad playlist on my iPod. I had made this playlist just under a year ago, when my friend Ali lost her 19-year-old brother in a tragic car accident. I had a really tough time then, and had made a playlist with a bunch of sad songs, so I could listen to it whenever I needed. On top of this, a few days after New Years Eve a different friend of mine lost her 21-year-old brother. I had been thinking about him a lot, trying to find a way to be supportive of her but not knowing how. Death is such a tough subject, and until you’ve lost someone close, you don’t understand how to help or provide support.
So I started listening to my playlist, and began crying on the plane. It was a short flight, and I didn’t care if anyone saw, but my teammates on each side didn’t notice. I continued to cry, and as I cried I thought of Stefan, and how only recently he was still here with us. Although I wasn’t close with him, I had played club volleyball with his sister for two or three years. I hadn't seen Derek since Christmas but we had texted about it lots and both were really sad when we heard the news. All I had wanted to do was give Derek a hug. I began thinking about him more and continued crying. Looking back I feel like my soul already knew what was going on back in Winnipeg. I can't explain the amount of uncontrollable pain I had on the plane. The Oasis song Stop Crying Your Heart Out came on, which I had first heard in the movie The Butterfly Effect. I had watched this movie with Derek and my dad when I was younger, and as I heard the song I thought of how I must text Derek to tell him to watch that movie again soon. It had been one of my favourite movies because it really made you think about how one choice affected so much- and how you couldn't change aspects of the past without completely changing the future.
I continued to think of him during the flight while I cried to more sad songs, including Here You Me by Jimmy Eat World (also in The Butterfly Effect).
When we were beginning the descent into the Kamloops Airport, I turned on my phone. It was then that I saw a text from my mom, it read “Text me when you land.” I got a bit scared, but I told myself not to panic, I texted her back “Ok landing. Well actually still flying but about to land.” Less than a minute later my cell phone started ringing, I didn’t want to answer in case it caused any problems with the flight deck. I texted my mom saying I couldn’t answer yet, and when I didn’t hear back I was really starting to panic. I then sent “Please tell me what’s wrong mom, I’m getting worried.” I still didn’t hear back. I texted Derek, asking "are you ok" but the message was only delivered and never read. I started thinking about all the things that could be wrong, Derek was my first worry, but I told myself to not jump to conclusions in case it was something small. Maybe there was just an accident, but nothing serious could have changed in the past hour. I had to tell myself to think positive, but deep down I knew it was something big.
When the plane landed on the tarmac I immediately called my mom, I was beginning to cry again and my heart was pounding. She asked if my coach was nearby, and said she needed to talk to him. As I passed my phone to a teammate to hand to Keith, I knew I was going home. My friends nearby asked what was going on, and I didn’t know. All I told them was that if my mom needed to talk to Keith first, it meant I was going back home, because she would have to explain why I was leaving the team to get back to Winnipeg. When Keith hung up the phone he turned back to me, and calmly told me to walk with him into the airport, and that we would find a quiet spot where I could call my mom back. That was the last I saw of my team.
I sat down on a chair and called my mom. I was already a mess, and when my mom answered the phone it became worse. All I said was “Mom” and she was crying and said “Kara”. Neither of us had the words to speak. I then said “I know.” But was waiting for her to break the news, and make it official. She asked if Keith told me, and I said no, and the next words out of her mouth will forever be the worst. “Derek OD’d last night.” At first I was doubly shocked, did that mean he did it on purpose? The word overdose carries implications along with it that make it seem intentional. All I could picture was him doing something, taking too many pills, or making that choice to end his life. This was one of the worst thoughts I had. Then she continued. “He was with Sean last night, and they took something Kara, and he didn’t wake up. I found him just after you and I finished talking in Calgary, I wanted to get a hold of you before anyone else did.” Meanwhile, Keith was buying me a ticket to hop on that exact same plane and head back to Calgary, I needed and wanted to be back home as soon as I could. (This meant bringing home two bags of smelly volleyball gear and nothing else, since I didn’t have time to go back to residence to grab other clothes.) While he did that, his girlfriend Candice sat with me, rubbing my back and trying to console me. I told my mom about my bad feeling on the plane, and I can’t remember what else she told me while I was sitting there, but soon after I was forced to hang up and go back through security. I sent my dad a text as well, but I don’t remember much being said other than we both were sorry. I was in shock, as I gave my coach a hug goodbye, my whole team was standing off to the side, all eyes watching, wondering what was going on. As I gave Candice a hug she said something that will stick with me forever, she said “I don’t know what you believe in, but God only does this to people who are strong enough.” Although I have never believed in a God, or a higher power, it gave me an odd form of comfort. After all, how do you believe in absolutely nothing after life, when you lose someone who means so much to you? You are bound to have some kind of belief, it is too hard to imagine that they are completely gone - spirit, body, and mind.
So I went back through Kamloops Security, and as I got there they noticed I had an apple juice in my backpack, so the security began asking me about any other liquids I’m “hiding”. Like I needed to be worrying about that at that moment... all I wanted to do was to be back in Winnipeg, or to fast-forward to the night before to tell Derek to do something else instead of seeing Sean. I stood there crying, and finally was allowed to go onto the plane. They gave me three seats to myself, which was nice since everyone nearby was staring at me the whole flight. One flight attendant came over to me and asked if it was my first flight and I was scared of flying. I didn’t know what to say, but I didn’t want to look like a fool sitting and crying about something when I am not afraid of flying. I told her the truth, that I just found out my brother had passed and was heading back home. She was in shock, obviously not expecting something as drastic as that. She went and got me some Kleenex and told me that if I needed anything to let her know. Her name was Sirius (like Sirius Black) and as much as I found her constant check ups a bit overwhelming, she was very helpful. She told me to wait as everyone got off the plane, and that she would come with me and sit with me during my layover. As much as company may have been good at that point in time, I really wanted to be alone, and to be able to make some phone calls. I thanked her for her help, and sped away on my own once we landed.
I was stuck in the Calgary Airport from 3pm until about 7pm, sitting around worrying and thinking. I was glad to be alone. First place I called was my house; I needed to hear the full story. I’m pretty sure my best friends mom Charlene picked up the phone, but it didn’t even sound like her. I asked who it was and when she told me we both started crying. She and Derek had started bonding more over the past year or two; he would join her and my mom for tea and to chat. He loved Charlene and loved being in her company, always telling my mom to invite her over so he could see her. She told me she was so sorry, and I knew she would be, and then she went and got my mom. My mom asked how the flight was, and apologized for how it had been handled, everyone felt horrible that I had to spend all day in the airport after hearing the news. I asked for the details from my mom and she told me. She said that just after I boarded my plane in Calgary to go to Kamloops she got a phone call from Danielle (currently Derek's girlfriend). Danielle was worried because he hadn't read her messages so my mom went down to check on him. She said she knew right when she got to the foot of the stairs that something was wrong. When she entered his room he didn't jump up like usual- but instead laid there cold and lifeless. Danielle was still on the other end of the phone and heard my moms screams and wails. Danielle left immediately to drive over and my mom called the cops and then my dad.
Paramedics got to the house first, then Danielle, then my dad, and finally the police. My mom stayed upstairs with Danielle, but my dad went and sat in Derek’s room with him for a while before the paramedics took him. I’m not sure how he stayed down there with Derek but he did somehow. And I don't know who my mom called after that, but some of Derek’s friends showed up at the house. Trevor was one of them, and he said he wouldn’t believe it until he saw, so he stood and watched as the paramedics carried my brother out of the house in a body bag.
After talking to my mom, Charlene, Danielle, and my dad, I called Hillary. I’ll never forget hearing her cry (something she doesn’t do very often), and her saying that “out of all the people this could’ve happened to, we didn’t deserve it.” I remember thinking how right she was, that it made no sense for my family to be going through this- to deserve this much pain. We talked about Derek, my flight back, and then tried to talk about other things to keep our minds off of it.
After that, I went to the food court to get something to eat. I wasn’t very hungry but figured I’d feel more sick if I didn’t eat anything. When I went to sit down I noticed the flight attendant, Sirius, sitting somewhere. She went and bought me a slice of pizza and we sat together. She asked me about Derek, and what happened. I explained what I knew. I remember her saying that when she landed in Calgary she actually went to call her brother. She said my situation made her think of how quickly something could happen, and she wanted to say hello and let him know she loved him. We continued to talk, and we also talked about volleyball and how I played because of Derek. After we finished eating I thanked her for giving me some company, gave her a hug and went on my way.
When I landed in Winnipeg I just wanted to run through the airport to find my dad. He was coming to get me, with Hillary, Rachel and her dad Tom. I remember running to my dad and him giving me the biggest hug ever. I felt like he was going to squish me and never let go. We were both crying too much and I’m sure people nearby were wondering what was going on. I think the other three stayed in the car to wait for us. Hillary and Rachel gave me a hug and were crying as I got in the car. I remember them trying to talk about other things, and I think I even asked how school was because none of us knew what to say. I could hear my dad crying in the front seat, so I reached my hand up there and put it on his shoulder. He reached up and held my hand for the rest of the drive. As I looked out the window I told everyone how when I was on the flight from Calgary to Winnipeg I was looking out at the stars and all I could think of was The Lion King. As I listened to my sad songs, I thought of how the great kings of the past were up there looking down on us, and seeing as Derek was a King in my eyes he must be watching over me at that moment. There was one bright star out that window the whole flight, which obviously was because I was flying directly East so it wasn’t going to go anywhere, but still. I remember Hillary and Rachel laughing a bit when I told them that, because everything with me always relates back to The Lion King, but I didn’t care. It gave me some comfort to think of him watching over me somehow.
It was absolutely freezing that night, and I remember turning onto our street and seeing cars parked all the way down. Walking up the driveway was tough. I could hear Cassie barking as we got close, and my mom greeted me at the door. Our small house was full of close friends and I felt like everyone was sitting and gauging my reaction. I don't remember much conversation. Eventually friends piled out late, it must have been after 1am when the last people had finally left. My dad was spending the night at our place, to be with my mom and I. We all sat up and talked, about what had happened, or different memories and stories to share. My mom decided she was going to try to sleep, and I was tired from my long day of not only travelling but horrible news, stress, and pain. I went and laid down in my mom’s bed with her and our dog Cassie. My dad wanted to stay up to “talk to Derek”. This really scared me. I knew we were all feeling the pain from the loss, but it hadn’t even been a day yet and I was scared as to how my dad was dealing. He was playing some music and had lit a candle, and sat on the couch crying all alone. My mom and I were talking anyways, but she was so tired and I wanted her to try to sleep. I went to sit with my dad, we could hear him crying from the bedroom and I was scared to leave him alone. My mom said she’d be ok since she had our dog with her, so I joined my dad in the living room. As I sat with him I noticed he had put on Derek’s shoes, and was wearing them as he sat on the couch. If it was possible for my heart to break anymore, it did then. How was I supposed to try and be strong when no one was? How could I sit there and watch as my dad found comfort in my brothers skate shoes?
My dad went to the bathroom soon after I had joined him, and that was when I went back to my mom’s room to tell her. We were both worried because my dad was feeling so much guilt, and it hurt so much seeing him wear Derek’s shoes. My mom came out and joined us in the living room; none of us were going to sleep anyways so we might as well be together.