I think it's only natural to have regrets when you lose someone or something that you love. All of a sudden this meaningful person is taken from you and all you have to hold onto are the memories of the good and regrets of the bad... All the things you wished you said but hadn't - or you said but wish you could take back. All the opportunities you missed out on with that person that you can never have now.
Immediately after losing Derek I didn't have many huge regrets; I didn't feel like anything I could've done would make a lasting impact or have helped to change the course of the events that night. I did have many small regrets however, that I still carry with me and think of often.
Derek, I regret being such a moody girl our last Christmas together. I was so excited to be home and see you and our parents and yet I never showed it. I still don't know why I was in such a bad mood that whole break but I'm sorry. I wish I would have made the time count.
I regret moving away for university. I wanted to go to BC and play volleyball there only because you did. I honestly don't think anyone understands just how much I wanted to follow in your footsteps. I met some pretty amazing people there but I will always regret losing those five months with you at home.
I regret that I didn't make the trip to Big White in the middle of January to see you and John. I had a two day block where I could've made the trip without missing school or volleyball but I didn't. Mom had told me to just leave you guys alone - which I understand - but in hindsight I'm mad that I didn't do what I wanted to do and go anyway.
I regret the last text that I sent to you that night... I asked what you were getting up to and you thought you'd maybe meet Brett and the boys at a bar after work. You weren't sure what time you'd be finished work though, and didn't want to go to the bar sober and late. I agreed that showing up there sober wouldn't be much fun and I told you that whatever you chose to do you should have fun. I was way too enthusiastic. You never mentioned anything about drinks with Sean, but you probably knew that if you had I wouldn't have been as supportive. The next day when I heard the news I felt like an idiot for telling you to have fun... Look at what you went and did! Surely the night wasn't enough fun to be worth your life... And I never would've said that if I knew what would happen... I would've told you to be safe. I would've told you to stay home. I would've told you that I love you and miss you and need you around while I grow up. There are a million things I would've said to instead of "well whatever you do I hope you have fun!" And that has to be my biggest regret.